Great Moments In The History of Mohammed

Mohammed released in France after serving less than half of 5-year sentence

(Paris) Algerian singer Mohammed Khalifati (stage name Cheb Mami) was today released from jail after serving less than half of a 5-year sentence he received in 2009 for the kidnapping, torture and attempted backstreet abortion of a former lover of his who had made the mistake to tell him she was pregnant.

Being the tosser that he he is, he lured her to Algeria where she was kidnapped and tortured in a bid in which to make her abort. On her return to Paris, she found she was still pregnant and is today the proud mother to a 6-year-old child. She also informed the police of her ordeal, and a arrest warrant was issued for Mohammed.

Well, because of his name (Mohammed), he initially denied the allegations made against him and claimed he was being picked on because he was a successful Arab singer. He then sang like a canary about how he felt trapped when told he was going to father a child to a woman he didn't love, and with tears in his eyes begged for the woman's forgiveness.

Mohammed jailed for chopping up brother-in-law in the UK

(London) When Mohammed Riaz's wife Nahid decided to leave him in 2008 due to his very peaceful nature of using her as a punchbag, he decided that he was going to win her back. Now, a rational person would have realised that in order to win back your wife, who had had enough of being used as a punchbag, that flowers and chocolates wouldn't be enough. But Mohammed wasn’t, or should I say isn’t, a rational person. His idea of winning back his wife was by using fear. So after watching a few TV detective programs, he went out into the big wide world in search of the punchbag of his life.

First, he travelled north to Blackburn where his estranged wife had run to, and serenaded her with songs of threats and intimidation outside her bedroom window. She, having none of this, changed her name and moved to Burnley.

Unable to find the punchbag of his life, Mohammed travelled to Nottingham where his wife’s sister Razia Ahmad lived, broke into her house and left after flooding the house by way of leaving the taps on in the bath. His phone call later informed his sister-in-law that that was just a taster and next time she would burn if he wasn’t given the details of his wife's new location.

The problem here is nobody decided to call the police, and in March 2010, another sister of his wife was targeted in which to enable Mohammed to find out where his punchbag had gone to. Well, actually, they didn’t target the sister, rather Mohammed changed tack and kidnapped the husband of his sister-in-law and took him back to his own sister's house in East London in which to force his brother-in-law to inform him of the whereabouts of his punchbag. Problem for Mohamed was his victim (Mahmood Ahmad) refused to talk other than scream, and he died while being tortured.

Well, what do you do with a dead body? Mohammed, it seems, cut him up in his sister's bathroom, then ripped out the bathroom, removed all the carpets in his sister's flat, broke down the car they transported the body in into little bits and sat back smug in the belief that he had got away with murder.

Problem for Mohamed, a bird found the thumb of the murdered man and dropped it in the middle of the street where it was found, and a murder investigation was launched.