Storm Track Infiltration: Is Your Teenager a Terrorist?
Now a Fox News opinion piece by Ken Layne seeks to settle the issue.
Back in the good old days, whenever they were, a troubled American kid had a limited list of options: get a nose ring, listen to loud music, maybe sneak a cigarette or join a neighborhood gang.
Sure, we've had killers and even a couple of home-grown terrorists. The awful Timothy McVeigh and this year's "smiley-face bomber" are among the worst examples.
But we have clearly entered a new era of horror. Today's bad kid might just convert to militant Islam, train in bin Laden's terror camps, join Al Qaeda, and try to nuke the
Based on ignored CIA and FBI intelligence, I've put together a handy list of warning signs every parent should print out and hang on the fridge.
Layne goes on to list a series of tongue-in-cheek behaviors that one should look for in yours or your neighbor’s teenager.
Should your teen-ager exhibit any of the below-listed behaviors, please just lock him up in the basement or something. Maybe he'll grow out of it, eventually, 40 years from now. Don't bother calling the federal authorities ... they're all busy blaming the other federal authorities for not finding your little terrorist in the first place.
— When exposed to nearly naked pop tarts on television, he snarls and says, "She will be punished when Islamic Law is established."
— While you're filling up the tank, he sits sullenly in the backseat and says, "The oil rightly belongs to the descendents of the Prophet. You will suffer a million deaths, infidel."
— Angrily attacks bacon-cheeseburger cardboard promotional sign on Wendy's counter.
— Insists he isn't shaving due to Allah's command, even though you can't see any evidence of a beard.
— Rants about "72 black-eyed virgins" whenever you ask why he's not interested in girls.
— Buys a burqa for his sister off eBay. Tries to kill her when she won't wear it.
— Begs for flight lessons while the other kids are going to driving school.
— Won't gargle with Listerine, due to the alcohol content.
— Denounces all Christian and Jewish winter holidays, but still asks for a gift subscription to Al Jazeera on the Dish Network.
— Always volunteers to fertilize the lawn; lawn is dead.
— Calls the paper the "Jew
— Suddenly against cowboys; burns favorite "Toy Story" action figure.
— Watches the movie "Airplane" and wonders aloud why a guy named Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was in the cockpit yet didn't fly the jet into a building.
— Also hates Muhammad Ali for no apparent reason.
— Issues several fatwas from family's AOL e-mail address.
— Volunteers as a janitor at the university medical center's radiology clinic. Always the last to leave.
— Charges $35 to your credit card to register KillAmericansAndJews.org.
— Wants to skip school to "get an autograph" from Salman Rushdie at the local Barnes & Noble.
— Has used all the paper towels and flour to make a George W. Bush effigy, which he's burning on the front lawn.
— No longer answers to Joey. Now it's Abdullah al Muhajir.
— Has absolutely no interest in anything beyond next month.
So hang this list on your fridge and watch your teenager carefully.