Europe and Canada have marshaled armies of scientists to prepare for the worst--in case US voters elect Barack Obama as US President next November. In Norway, a "doomsday vault
" is being stocked with seeds, in case a President Obama brings about unprecedented global ecological devastation. British, Swedish, and Chinese scientists are studying the basic mechanisms of control of human ovulation
, in what many observers see as an effort to develop something analogous to the plant seed "doomsday vault"--a vault for human embryos.
"We would not be so concerned", stated Blythe Manfredson, EU Disaster Planner, "if not for some disturbing revelations coming from the United States. We have learned that Senator Obama's campaign is using deep brain stimulation
to influence voting preferences in non-African American voters."
"That's patently absurd!" declared an Obama campaign aide heatedly. "We only use DBS on resistant voters--racists! Many Americans willingly--even enthusiastically--vote for Barack, so they don't need the DBS."
EU sources state that they are not reassured by the explanations coming from the Obama campaign. "I would feel much better if the Obama campaign would just stick to the traditional deceptions, false promises, and misleading attacks against opponents. Using DBS is getting too close to unfair manipulation," declared one source, who asked not to be named.
Manfredson denies that she and other government planners are over-reacting to the possibility of an Obama presidency. "Look, we are destroying the European economy on the basis of unproven and unfalsifiable climate models. How could we face the people of Europe if we failed to react to the Obama threat in turn?"
Other EU officials express concerns that Obama is seen by large segments of the US public as almost a "magic negro", possessing mythical powers to bring about a new millenium for everyone except bad people. "This type of expectation inevitably leads to catastrophe!" declared another anonymous EU source. "Unrealistic belief in a particular "change-bringer" too easily leads to suspension of critical thinking. The danger is particularly dire from charismatic but unproven politicians."
It is not likely that such cautions will be considered by the American public. In fact, most of the American news media itself appears to be in thrall to the first-term senator from Illinois.
"We have to be concerned," insisted Manfredson. "Obama has single-handedly destroyed an American political dynasty that was expected to last decades. He appears unstoppable. Clearly the American public's expectations of what an Obama presidency would mean, in terms of revolutionary justice and change, is completely unrealistic. When the reality sets in, we expect widespread social upheaval--perhaps even civil war in the US."
In addition, an unnamed Vatican source expressed concern about Obama's apparent intention to spend most of the first year of his presidency strengthening US ties with Islamic religious leaders. "That is all that Obama talks about--Islam this, Islam that! It's bad enough that there will soon be more mosques in Europe than churches and cathedrals, more boys named Muhammed than John."
"The US is the leader of the world, the guarantor of world markets and trade routes," explained Chen Xin, Chinese liason to the EU Disaster Planning Commission. "Although we Chinese wish to replace the US as most powerful nation, it is no one's best interest for the handover of world power to occur by way of calamitous violent change. Despite his powerful charisma, Obama has simply not displayed an ability to lead, so the danger of violent disillusionment and backlash is extreme. We do not expect civil war in America--unless Obama attempts to radically alter the American military."
Meanwhile, the stocking of the doomsday seed vault has been placed at highest priority, as have preparations for stocking a doomsday vault with frozen human embryos. Judging by the actions of international disaster planners, the future of mankind has never looked so bleak.
Originally published in abu al-fin
Labels: political satire