Muhammad, The Night Before Christmas

From this post at Feed Your ADHD:

It was the night before Christmas and Muhammad was confused.

Should Muslims have fun holidays like the Christians and Jews?

8 days of Hanukkah or a fat Jinn in a red suit,

Who used reindeers not camels to carry his loot?

And what kind of presents would Muhammad think best?

Barbies in burkas and suicide vests?

It had to be something the kafurs would envy

Teddy bears named Muhammad or something trendy.

But that’s too much work for a man who had fits

With angels who’d scare him out of his wits.

It would have to be simple and easy to do

And try not to get sick with that kafur swine flu

So he laid on his bed, the left side of course,

Couldn’t lay on his back considering the source

Of Sharia and Hadith and all those rules

Can’t have kafurs thinking we’re fools.

As he laid on his left side, trying hard not to sleep,

When in crept a dog without making a peep.

He said to Muhammad, such an idea I have

I’d tell you now, but we’re forbidden to laugh

Muhammad was startled by the sight of the dog

They’re considered impure if you read all the blogs

But with the crescent moon setting he had to decide

Listen to the dog or forget the yuletide.

So the dog said to Muhammad this has to be done right

Or the Sunni and Shia will start a big fight

And that damned winged horse that flew to the sky

That screwed up the prayers, is it 3 or is it 5?

But Muhammad disagreed; the dog be can’t be right

I’ve given them holidays for at least a few nights

Like Ramadan to starve them from sun up to sun down

A billion hungry Muslims all running around

A month of No sex, food, or water, from dawn until dusk

And then the celebration of Eid, where they can pig out and lust

They can eat lots of dates and wear all their best clothes

And visit a gravesite … before they’re blown up by their foes.

They can ask forgiveness and even pray for more wives

It’s all about sex, haven’t I given them good lives?

Plus, the angel Gabe descends with white clothes

For Muhammad’s grandsons, all dead, but who knows

We eat lots of food on all 3 days

And pay zakat to the poor but not if they’re gay

I have already given them this holiday you see,

But only when the moon is sighted by three

And it’s never the same time, so they have to remember

Like this year it fell on the 21 of September

And the dog said to Muhammad, 30 days of fasting, 3 days to over eat

If that’s the best you can do, they’ve got you beat.

The kafurs give presents, charity and good cheer

And it’s always the same month year after year

Besides, said Muhammad, for 1400 years it’s been a tradition

To make fun of the holidays of the Jews and the Christian.

We can’t change it now, it’s gone on far too long

Plus Sharia forbids us from singing a song

But what of the treaty of Hudaibiyya, argued the dog with skill

Where you denied you were a prophet so you wouldn’t be killed

If you could fake it then you could fake it now

Say Happy Holidays to the kafurs and don’t have a cow

Tell Muslims to be tolerant or go back where they’re from

Or they’ll be eating the fruit of the Az Zaqqum

To celebrate life’s mysteries should be each human’s right

It shouldn’t be a reason for Muslims to hate or to fight.

Forget it said Muhammad, as they’ve ignored much that I’ve said

They follow their scholars and the Hadith they’ve read.

And they made up the Quran long after I was dead.

Good luck to you all, I’m going back to bed.

And that’s your Muslim winter holiday. And to all a good night

And of course we all know the dog was right.

The above was a guest post by Az Zaqqum, Islamic scholar to the Kafurs.