First They Went After ...

From Jules Crittenden:

First, they went after the wackjob murderous terrorist Muslims. But I wasn’t a wackjob murderous terrorist Muslim, and wackjob murderous terrorist Muslims had just hijacked four airliners and flown them into office buildings, and the president pointed out they had no beef with law-abiding Muslims, just the wackjob murderous terrorist ones, so I did nothing.

Then, they went after the nail clippers. But I wasn’t a nail clipper, so I did nothing.

Then, they went after the shoes. But I wasn’t a shoe, and some guy had just tried to blow up an airliner with his sneakers, so I thought it probably wasn’t a bad idea.

Then, they went after the grandmothers from Iowa. It seemed pretty absurd, but they were being forced to bend over backward to prove they weren’t going after Muslims, and anyway, the presence of nitwit Australians, diseffected kids from Marin County, and Chicago gangbangers in the ranks of wackjob murderous terrorist Muslims suggested that hey, who knows, maybe a grandmother from Iowa will be next. So I did nothing. A number of people who might now be classed as radicalized rightwing extremists protested, though.

Then, they went after the megalomaniacal WMD-lusting terrorism-supporting Baathists. But I wasn’t a megalomaniacal WMD-lusting terrorism-supporting Baathist, and I thought it was a pretty good idea, so I did nothing. OK, not exactly. I went along for the ride, nearly got my head blown off on half a dozen occasions, and spent the next six years ranting about the whole thing, but aside from that, I did nothing.

Then, they went after the public libraries. But I wasn’t a public library, and the whole thing sounded like alarmist nonsense, so I did nothing. OK, not exactly true. I called it alarmist nonsense. And they didn’t exactly go after them, anyway. 

Then, they went after the international phone calls and emails. But I wasn’t an international phone call or email, and anyway, given Problem A with the wackjob murderous terrorist Muslims cited above, I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Then, they went after the shampoo bottles. I wasn’t a shampoo bottle, and it was starting to get a little ridiculous, but what are you going to do?

Then, they went after the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, unrepentant ex-terrorist/professor Bill Ayers and noted wackjob plagiarist Ward Churchill.

Wait a minute. No, they didn’t. They also didn’t go after Code Pink, MoveOn, Daily Kos, Glenn Greenwald, the New York Times or assorted other nuisance organizations and blogs that kept screaming about how everyone’s rights were being trampled on. But I wasn’t Rev. Jeremiah Wright, unrepentant ex-terrorist/professor Bill Ayers and noted wackjob plagiarist Ward Churchill, Code Pink, MoveOn, Daily Kos, Glenn Greenwald, the New York Times or assorted other nuisance organizations and blogs, and they weren’t actually being gone after, so I did nothing. Though frankly, it would have been highly entertaining if they actually had thrown the lot of them in Guantanamo on treason charges and played ”I Love You You Love Me” at them really loud, a lot. You know, just for a week or two, just for kicks, so they’d actually have something to squawk about. Come on, you know they wanted it.

Finally, they went after the radicalized rightwing extremists and disgruntled military veterans. I thought about that for a minute, and thought, hey, they’re being vague enough about that, they could be talking about me or a bunch of my pals. All their pals sure call us rightwing extremists a lot. I should mention we’re talking about a different “they” now. Because the moderately responsible crowd who had been running the place had been replaced by the wackjob-murderous-terrorist-Muslim-sympathizing party of Rev. Jeremiah Wright, unrepentant ex-terrorist/professor Bill Ayers, noted wackjob plagiarist Ward Churchill, Code Pink, MoveOn, Daily Kos, Glenn Greenwald, the New York Times and assorted other nuisance organizations and blogs, and the people who were actually running the place sounded dangerously paranoid and frankly, like they were targeting political opponents rather than zeroing in on actual fringe nutjob extremist violent people. But I decided this was more nonsense, so I did nothing, though now that I think of it, last time they started talking like this, they actually did burn to death several dozen men, women and children and also shot a teenaged boy and a pregnant woman.