The Ditch Carp of Democracy

from The Canberra Times h/t View From the Porch:

The ditch carp of democracy
PJ O'ROURKE
22/04/2009 1:10:00 PM

We live in democracies. Rule by the majority. Rule by the people. Fifty per cent of people are below average in intelligence. This explains everything about politics.

Not that we'd want to live in a country ruled only by the best and brightest. That would be too much like being married to Cherie Blair.

So we have to keep supporting democracy. Even when democracy acts up the way it's done in Russia, Pakistan and the American presidential election.

Long term there's only one thing that gives me hope as a right-winger - the left-wing.
It's going to be hard to do a worse job running America than the Republicans did, but the Democrats can do it if anyone can.

The Left is the party of government activism - the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, slimmer, taller, and take a dozen strokes off your golf game.

The Right is the party that says government doesn't work. And then they get elected and prove it.

The US Government is going to take over the American car industry. I can predict the result - a light-weight, compact vehicle with a small carbon footprint using sustainable alternative energy. When I was a kid we called it a bike.

America has wound up with a charming leftist as a president. And this scares me. This scares me not because I hate leftists. I don't. I have many charming leftist friends. They're lovely people - as long as they keep their nose out of things they don't understand. Such as making a living.

When charming leftists stick their nose into things they don't understand they become ratchet-jawed purveyors of monkey-doodle and baked wind. They are piddlers upon merit, beggars at the door of accomplishment, thieves of livelihood, envy coddling tax lice applauding themselves for giving away other people's money. They are the lap dogs of the poly sci-class, returning to the vomit of collectivism. They are pig herders tending that sow-who-eats-her-young, the welfare state. They are muck-dwelling bottom-feeders growing fat on the worries and disappointments of the electorate. They are the ditch carp of democracy.

And that's what one of their friends says.

Also, a charming leftist president scares me because what if Barack Obama really does turn out to be a ''uniter, not a divider''?

This could mean an end to partisan bickering and result in politicians of all stripes working together to solve national and international problems. Then we're really screwed.

America needed a Republican president. Because America has a Democratic congress. Republican president, Democratic congress - this means gridlock. I love gridlock.

The worst thing in politics is ''bipartisan consensus.'' Bipartisan consensus - that's like when my doctor and my lawyer agree with my wife that I need help.

The global economic melt-down is bringing droves of these consensus-builders to office. (And I, for one, am over the age of consent.)

What does this busy-body type of politician intend to do with all the consensus that's being built?
And we have to remember that it's not just a financial crisis that we're facing. There's Iraq. And the war in Afghanistan. North Korea. Darfur. Pakistan producing more history than it can consume locally.

If Obama is anything to go by in the new style of crisis leadership, I am not reassured.

First, he appoints a Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, who thinks ''foreign affairs'' means her husband is overseas.

So far, the best Obama has been able to do by way of an Iraq policy is to make what I think of as the ''high school sex promise:'' I'll pull out in time, honest, Honey.''

Obama has committed more troops to Afghanistan. But committed them for what? For whatever the NATO allies want, I guess. Great. Obama is going to decide what to do in Afghanistan by waiting to see what France does.

Although waiting to see what France does may not be such a bad idea.

Because France is a treasure to mankind. French ideas, French beliefs, and French actions form a sort of lodestone for humanity. Because a moral compass needle needs a butt end.

Whatever direction France is pointing - toward Nazi collaboration, Communism, Existentialism, Jerry Lewis movies, or running for cover in Afghanistan - we can go the other way with a clear conscience.

We'll need to watch what France does to stimulate its economy so we'll know what not to do.

My guess is that France will be relying on Muslim teenagers in the suburbs of Paris, Toulouse, and Marseilles.

Those kids had a great plan for stimulating car sales in France. Specialitie de la maison, Citroen flambe.

P.J. O'Rourke is delivering a National Press Club Address in Canberra today. This is an extract of a lecture delivered to the Centre for Independent Studies in Sydney last night.