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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Federal Government to Impose Limits on Olive Garden Restaurant

Federal Government to Impose Limits on Salad and Breadsticks

The Olive Garden restaurant, known for unlimited salad and breadsticks, suffered a significant setback today when the Federal Government announced that it will be imposing limits on salad and breadsticks.

“This fiscally irresponsible behavior has gone on for too long,” said Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, “This is just the type of wasteful behavior that has led six billion Americans to unemployment every five minutes.”

President Obama stood by the assertion of the Speaker of the House.

“If we’re all going to get through these tough times, we’re going to have to work hard together,” said the President, “That might mean working a few hours less so someone else can work. It might mean that Bob the contractor should trade his tool van in for a Prius hybrid. And yes, it might mean that maybe Sally should put a sock in it after four bowls of salad.”

Republicans were quick to denounce the President’s plan as socialist and un-American.

“I went to an Olive Garden in France once,” said Mitch McConnell, R-KY, “They made me stop after four breadsticks. Is that what we want for the American people? After four breadsticks you still have a good forty minutes before your entrees hit the table. What are we supposed to do, sip water?”

News of the decision left Olive Garden’s management looking for alternatives.

“At this time, we’re not sure what to do,” said Leonardo Milton, Executive Vice President of Olive Garden Restaurants, “Unlimited salad and breadsticks is an Italian tradition dating back to the middle ages. Back then, if you were unable to provide your patrons with unlimited salad and breadsticks, your waiters were stretched out on a rack while their skin was flayed off with hot iron combs. Today, we carry on the salad and breadstick part of that great tradition.”

Milton did not indicate if Olive Garden restaurants would try to present alternatives to salad and breadsticks or if they would close down altogether.

“We’re going to have to layoff quite a few employees because of this,” said Milton, “Perhaps the President has some room in his cabinet. Most of these guys are pretty up to date on their taxes, well, except for Scooter, but that dumb bastard belongs back in Uruguay anyway.”

“This is a great step forward in ending wastefulness in America,” said Pelosi, “I wish we had passed the original draft of the bill which also put limits on that dude with the big-assed pepper grinder and the shake-on cheese.”

“That’s the last time I let Pelosi take me to my favorite restaurant,” said McConnell, “I knew I should have taken her somewhere I hated, like Denny’s or Popeye’s. I just hope she keeps the Federal Government’s grubby little paws the hell out of my Sizzler.”
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posted by WC at permanent link#

3 Comments:

Blogger Epaminondas said...

Not only that, in an Executive Finding the ONE has mandated that the Cheesecake Factory must use Splenda, and no fat Neufchatel cheese in place of sugar and cream cheese in all deserts.

All recipe formulations must be weighed on a web service enabled scale - ingredient by ingredient which connects to the ONE'S Blackberry

Thursday, February 12, 2009 7:15:00 pm  
Blogger Culturist John said...

Epaminondas leads me to believe this is a humorous article. The world is getting so nuts that it is hard to tell.

If you had told me we'd elect a man named "Hussein Obama" with a muslim background president on Sept 12, 2001, I would have laughed. The requirements in the stimulus package do not seem to be far behind this level of thought.

Okay, if it is a joke, it is very funny. Splenda!! Good grief. Thanks!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009 8:09:00 pm  
Blogger WC said...

There's always a bit of truth in every satire.

Thursday, February 12, 2009 10:14:00 pm  

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