Dear Willie & Kate

I didn't understand all the hoopla in 1981 and I don't understand it now.

I mean, I wish you all the best but for heaven's sake, it's just two people tying the knot.

Listen, do you really want to have a good time with this? Lose the media and the pressure.

Go out and rent a fire hall. Buy your own beer and booze. Hire a good bartender. Hire a really good band (I know a few). Make sure the only person who can drink harder than you is your best man who will be pinch drinking the Old Grandad 114 shots during the dollar dance. Remind him this is not Khe Sanh and make sure he leaves his Kabar in the car. And don't mention to your new bride that right before the ceremony the two of you really wanted to do some trout fishing in the creek behind the church. You even had the tackle in the car.

It is considered bad form for the groom and his best man to walk in and up to the bar BEFORE the wedding party has been introduced to the guests. Do it anyway.

Once you get them liquored up the old people will be dancing.

Your dad will be drunk and found wandering around a grocery star parking lot in his tux and shades and an old cowboy hat looking like a hitman from Nogales.

If your future mother in law is making the bridal gown insist it be done more than 15 minutes before the ceremony.

Your uncle may walk up to the bartender and order a shot of Vodka then disappear with the entire bottle for a few hours.

Under no circumstances should you and your buddies pick up the band's instruments when they're on break and try to play any Bruce Springsteen Bob Seger or Allman Brothers.

Did I mention making sure you have a good pinch drinker for the dollar dance?

When you're future sister in law demands the band turn it down advise her if it's too loud you're too old. Look at the old folks boogieing for heaven's sake.

When she tells you it won't last five years flip her the bird. Politely. And then every five years send her a reminder. She won't be talking to you any longer by then anyway which is a major blessing.

You may wake up the next morning finding you lost a couple hours of time. Don't sweat this. You never get it back and will find most people reluctant to talk about what happened during that period.

That was 1985 and the old folks in the family STILL talk about that bacchanal. Fondly and with a great big grin.

Best of all, no media there to document it and blackmail you later.

Cheers!

midnight rider